Never Ready, Always Worthy

My mother has cancer.

...

I wanted to spend... so badly wanna comfort buy games and webnovels...

I added stuff to my cart on one of the bundle sites and I planned to spend 100 to get credits on webnovel... sigh... it won't change anything... so no point... but also, why not? What's the point?...

I have to keep working while my mother is dying. I have to process that in 5 years or less, she won't be here anymore... and accept the complicated feelings of no longer having her to want her validation but also relief cause someone isn't gonna completely dismantle me emotionally at the slightest disapproval... but also... no more help around the house... no more seeing her as I pass by the bottom of the stairs... regret for no more chances for redemption and reconciliation... relief cause no more impossible standards to live up to outside of myself and no more judgemental mindsets to dismantle and seeds to pluck... but guilty cause I feel relief... guilty cause I thought idly that her insurance would pay for a lot of her debts... worried cause I have to take over her bills when im not ready... guilty cause what if God decided me moving out in 3 years was a condemnation for her passing in that time so I can "move out" from living with her... so much complicated feelings...

I took my meds though. I ate. I have been doing my insulin injections since I started work on Friday night...

But there's some apathy and hopelessness there too...

Im worried and relieved and regretful and I hate that my selfish brain keeps thinking, "wait, I wanted to live to 100... what does it mean that both parents will be gone before 75..... that's 25 years less than planned... should I shift my plans?"... I mean, its human, and me to overthink/think about that... but also selfish... I want a sabbatical... but I can't afford it... I want her to fill a bucket list, but I can't afford it... I slightly panic at thinking about how its gonna be me and this overfilled semi hoarder house... I planned to organize next year... I planned to save... I planned to max out my Roth IRA... what am I gonna do? And the business... how? The renters... how? I'm competent... but I'm not ready...

I'm not ready... never ready, always worthy.... but still not ready...

I want to sink into old maladaptive habits... to isolate and sleep too much and not eat, only to overeat and not take care of myself...

But I have a job... responsibilities... and need the money... and if I break, everything will break and I'll lose more than just her...

So I can't break down... so I take my meds... I eat... I take my insulin... I go to work...

She has cancer... an aggressive cancer that is usually caught late and has low survivability when its caught... shes dying... she's human, so as she ages, death draws closer... but now its a constant looming presence and not a distant concept... shes dying... im not ready... never ready, always worthy...